The Lady Bather, A killer Saddle, and ... all rolled into one. :-)

It's sunny!!! It is so sunny outside I am going to go nuts. (Mostly because my allergies are keeping me in. :-() but I am going to use this beautiful opportunity to share with you the worse and the worse of the M.A. we have been looking at. First I give you....THE LADY BATHER!

The Lady Bather

 A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, legend had it that when the suns and moons lined up in the sky, that the moon called Toto would split apart and a beautiful lady would step out and bathe in the sky (clothed of course). This happened on the 64th day of the month of Kuli in 30452 FC and instead a semi beautiful woman with an enormous belly button appeared. Instantly, the religion of Moonisdie disappeared and all the druids were killed for spreading lies and false prophecies.

A Killer Saddle

 A new invention is just in for all y'all cowboys. It's a saddle complete with suspension rigging to hook up the your hores's neck. Just when you mount, made sure you don't slice you head off because those wires will get thought your neck fasted then a knife through soft butter.

....

I think we just found the Grandma who loved in a boot in the middle of the forest. But now we find out that she had a hut on top all the time. Just don't tell the kids because it will ruin the story. 


The end...for now.

Correcting a myth

"Sculpture Featured on Campus bring Creativity to the Next Level" blares the Clackamas Print  in it's headlines from their latest paper. How about Stupidity to the next level? Seriously, what is creative about a bunch of butterflies tortured and hanged up to die, what is creative about a maniacal inventor and his deadly doorbell, what is creative about a dead body left to rot, what is creative about a disgusting lung chained to a metal frame? There is absolutely nothing creative about it but maybe seeing the patterns of puke around such alters to the "creativeness" of morons! Now please don't hold your breath and keep a bowl close beside as we delve into more explanations on hideous things.

A Tragic Accident

 A tragic accident occurred here on October 21, 1962. George Patmore, Lucy Barlox, Curt Ledawski, and Roy Willcox were sitting eating their lunch on a glorious day during their Kindergarten recess. Then according to eye witness accounts, there was a rumbling noise and the whole ground began to shake. George, Lucy, Curt, and Roy ducked under the table like their teachers had told them to do when an earthquake struck. But what they took to be an earthquake was actually an auger from a gold mining project gone horribly wrong. It is now preserved as a memoir to the lives of George, Lucy, Curt, and Roy and a dedication that such a terrible accident would never occur again. *sniff*

The Pea Pod

Run for your lives!!!! The man eating pea pod is here devouring all of your least favorite professors. Hey, maybe that math professor will that back that F on my test if I help him escape by disguising his as a bunch of mushrooms. He is kind of a fun-gi.

Woman!

When she told her husband that she was pregnant, he said that she was lying and he could see right though her. The moral of the story: Don't get all wired up over nothing!


Please send us pictures as we need some to keep the blog going. If you see any funky, new age, modern art send a picture to pdx.art1@gmail.com

The Good News

"And the students at Clackamas did evil in the sight of the DEAN so he sent in the Artiserites to judge them for 60 days, and then the students repented and turned away from their gods of Lowertuition and Lesshomework to recognize that the DEAN  knows what is best for them. Then the DEAN  relented and agreed to have the judgement lifted in June." This is the good news, The judgement that has blighted Clackamas for the past couple of weeks is going to be lifted "Ding dong the Witch is dead" and everyone was rejoicing at the news. But until that blessed day arrives, there is still more "art" that we need to discuss and be revolted by.

1. The Inventor's Doorbell 

I can see the patent attorney walking up to his new client's house when confronted with this contraption as the doorbell. I can also see him running away in sheer panic after this contraption almost kills him with it's "Welcome" sign. And the inventor never knows why none of his inventions ever gets produced. 

2. A Kindergarten Biology Project

"All right children, let's find some giant butterflies and see what happens if we pin them up on the wall so people can be bamboozled by what they are and have their brains turn to mush thinking about it" And they call kindergarten kids innocent..

3. A Sight for Sore Eyes

We finally have a decent piece of art! I am ecstatic that finally somebody had the brains to put this beautiful, beautiful project together and then go the extra mile to put it together. I just <3 the white band near the top and the two perfect holes in the side. I just love this piece it is so beautif...Um...I just realized that this is a garbage can...awkward...Moving on....

4. The Mer-Horse

The rumblings in the deep ocean had the whole world watching. After a huge burst of energy, something came zooming up from the depths and to the worlds amazement, this creature launched itself from the surface of the seas and did a beautiful swan dive back in to never be seen again. At least, that's what they tell you after the showing at Sea World.

I hope you are rejoicing at the good news but I am going to need more "art" to write on, so if you can shoot me an email at pdx.art1@gmail.com with some modern "art" you have found I will try to squeeze it in. 

More education on "art"

With the advent of modern metallurgy, man kind has since believed that he can do anything with metal and its all for the better good....which as we all know, IS WRONG AND I HAVE THE PROOF. I highly suggest that you wear sunglasses (preferable with UV and anti-idiot protection) for today's education on "art"

1. I am not sure what this is...

Here we have living proof that it is possible to be mentally insane and still possess the ability to wield a welder, plasma cutter, and spray can. According to Professor (name has been removed to protect the innocent) of the School of Hard Knocks, this can lead to a very dangerous combination that will cause people's brains to turn to mush attempting to decipher what the meaning is. If you need a closer look (which I think you should be prepared to stick your head in a bowl of ice water to re-solidify your brain) I have posted a close up below. 

2. What a Hunk of Junk!

I continue to be astounded by the measures people call “art.” The only thing that will ever be artistic will be the pattern drawn on this monstrosity by vandalism gangs and Mother Nature and her rust marks. Plus, it just goes to show the wastefulness of all that metal. I wonder how many carbon credits the artist should have purchased to make up for all the toxins he was spewing into the air.

2. That Chair!

This chair reminds me of the Evil Witch in The Little Mermaid. Either that or it’s a strange torture device designed to hold anyone down that is forced onto its metallic leather seat. 

Also, please notice the tripping device designed to kill any unsuspecting passerby.

Not for the week of mind

There are yet more atrocities that I have to show to the public at large. Please read slowly so you don't feel the sudden urge to throw your computer through the window.

4. A Smokers Bain

Yes, that is a lung hanging out for everyone to see.

Please note the chain and lock keeping anybody from making away with this foul piece. Of course, who would be crazy enough?

5. Murder in the Park

Dispatcher: 911, what is the cause of your emergency?

Caller: , I found a body lying in the park!

Ok, can you tell me where you are?

No I can’t, but just get a really powerful magnet and you’ll find it in no time!

5. A fish out of water

What did this poor fish ever do to be scaled, filleted, and then had its skeleton hung up as a reminder to all the other fish of what happens when you do the unspeakable?

Please spread the word about this blog to help others learn how to handle art. As I said to someone else, "the only way to handle modern "art", is to laugh at it."

Some monstrosities...with more to come.

Recently, the management of Clackamas Community College in Oregon City had an “art” show where people would come and show “art”. Then it would be displayed as punishment against the students who don’t want tuition to go up again. In my quest  to leave Clackamas a better place then I found it, here is a commentary on the “art” to help my fellow students engage in discussion on the “art." Thus commences a series on art from what will now be known as CCC and Lord willing, there will be other art from the Portland Area at large. But for now  we go to CCC!

1. The Leaf

This “fine” piece of “art” was apparently created by finding a giant leaf that had the middle eaten out of it by an army of fire ants, then dragging the whole thing to a metal foundry where they managed to wrap the whole thing in plaster and cast a mold on it. I think it would have been easier to just mold a giant leaf without the bother of finding one and a horde of fire ants.

2. The Clackamas Seaweed

 This is either a piece of seaweed that someone dragged over from the Atlantic Ocean, or it’s a hideous new variety of Asparagus that will take over the world with its high-in-fiber-stalk.

3. The Bird

I  believe that this is a bird that is trying to take off in flight. But please look to the right hand side and what do you see? Trees! And how is a bird that big supposed to fly through those branches.

No Tyler, you’re wrong. The bird Is going to land in the trees and rest”

The bird weighs at least 50 pounds and will topple the entire tree over onto the building next to it in which case there would be even more “art”

I do hope that this small example of the horrendous pieces of "art" that litter the landscape goes to show why we need such valuable critique as this. Check back soon for more examples of monstrosities.
*Please note the neither blogger nor the author is responsible for any adverse side effects from the reading of this column. Side effects can include but is not limited to; blindness, headaches, dizziness, or suicidal tendencies.